Mail-Order Brides: Cruel Intentions or a case of misrepresentation?

Mail-order brides, as a term is typically used in the context of women from ‘third world countries’ who marry men from another: usually financially developed country.

I was fairly unaware of the phenomenon until recently and I won’t be entirely off track to assume that it is not a topic of conversation (read consequence) in India. We have our very own genre of ‘no-love’ marriages – the arranged ones. The desi version of the picture perfect Mrs. Cleaver waiting for her husband at the front door with chai and a million dollar smile is an actuality and men don’t have to venture too far for such forms of TLC. My guess would be that excepting geography, the other nuances of Mail Order Brides would barely evince a response in India. And even if it did – not one that remotely compares to the popular stereotype elsewhere. This post is an overview of the Mail-order bride stereotype - one that is not positive at all.

Most of the references around Mail-order brides are the ones that titillate, involve deceit, sex, and abuse – essentially anything that sensationalises and in turn sells.
“Mail Order Bride murders in the US”
“Mail Order Brides do not exist – are they gold diggers or prostitutes?”

This sensationalism imbues the women and in some cases entire nations with descriptors and images that they cannot easily do away with. The women, projected as manipulative, passive and subservient are hoping to move out of their current economic, social or personal situations and these marriages are projected as the ideal ticket to better lives. The men on the other hand, are projected as either divorcees or geeks who have been evaded by luck, (in most cases tired of the career centric ways of their women), and are now seeking nurture providing, traditional women who will take care of both their homes and hearts. The men are looking for their second chance at love and a happily married life with someone who is attentive, loving, eager to please and is concerned with nothing more than her husband and the home.’

I am familiar with these characterisations however I would argue that these representations (of both the men and women) are skewed and to some degree reflect the surrounding stereotype without delving into the real picture. These representations fail to take into account the actual situations and interests of the people in context. There are several voices, which are far removed from the gold digging, passive, subservient persona that the stereotype leads us to believe. These voices, understandably have been muted in the flurry of sensationalism perpetrated by the media and other feminist writings. So, what is it that attributes the negativity surrounding the stereotype?

According to me, a lot of the negativity stems from the fact that it does not align with the western concept of marriage. This in turn gives rise to the perception of people marrying for economic considerations. The idea of two people getting married without being in love raises questions and also concerns about the legitimacy of the union. The western concept of marriage assumes that marriage is based on the romantic attachment of two free individuals and anything deviating from this norm is viewed suspiciously. Marrying for practical considerations is viewed to be a selfish and calculated motive and it is this aberration from the usual norms, which results in transference of negative values. This ‘apparent transgression of the ideology of romantic love’ allows for the women to be branded as opportunists. The more sympathetic version projects them as sex slaves, who are forced to sell their bodies in (obviously) loveless marriages. (Luehrmann, 2004).

Although this genre of marriage is linked more to materialistic considerations, I agree with Madhu Kishwar when she suggests that even marriages that arise out of pure romantic love, are not entirely devoid of calculation and motive.
Perhaps we draw too easy a division between such arranged relationships and those which come without professional intermediaries, as if the latter never involved unequal power relations or false pre-conceptions. (Luehrmann, 2004, p.862)

Much has been said about the women opting for such forms of cross-cultural marriage but the images projected cannot be treated as representational. What most people know are the instances that have been sensationalized by the media – wives suspect of marrying their husbands to acquire a green card. This is the popular and prevailing stereotype and also presumably a central motivation for the women. At some level, economics does play a role in determining such life choices but it is definitely not the tilting point. There are other factors, macro and micro which are instrumental. Understanding the real motivations of these women to enter such marriages will help us see the mail-order bride in true perspective and in some way over time balance the stereotype. Until then, the image – however negative will persist.